A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege of speaking at Refresh Summit South on dealing with negativity on social media/blogging, whether it be someone being negative towards you, or falling into the comparison trap and having negative feelings about yourself. I have been meaning to blog about the two main points I discussed with the ladies in attendance, but I just wasn’t sure exactly how to go about turning a talk into words, and due to an unpleasant exchange with a neighbor on Friday, I decided to use it as an example for a blog post on one of my two main points.
Being real here. One thing that I struggle with is holding my tongue. It’s a constant battle, and it’s one of the reasons why I enjoy blogging (I can go back and edit before hitting send.) Even with that filter of sorts in place, I still get myself in trouble from time to time for things that I say, that I really should just keep to myself. I can get angry in a hurry, and instead of giving myself time to think and cool down, I often spout off and it ends up leading to more damage. The Bible is clear on this, and says we should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry (James 1:19), but boy is this one tough for me!
You can make fun of me for a lot of things and I will let it roll off my back, but to state something about my husband or my child as a fact that is NOT true, is something I have a hard time biting my tongue about. Without going into too much unnecessary detail, here is my own learning moment:
Our neighborhood has it’s own private Facebook group, which in theory is awesome, but sometimes not so awesome because as of late it has turned into a huge gripe fest. People complaining about folks speeding, running stop signs, dogs pooping in their yard etc. All of these things are valid complaints, but really, blasting your neighbors online for speeding it’s well, very neighborly, and we have had some issues with some not so friendly folk posting negative things. Anyway, somehow, on Friday there was an assumption made about my husband that was NOT true, and it turned into a nasty argument between me and a lady in my neighborhood I don’t really know. Come to find out from other neighbors letting me know, this is not the first time this particular neighbor has been less than neighborly. Part of me felt good about it, knowing that other people were “on my side” in letting me know how difficult this person is in general, but then I realized that honestly, I probably just should have kept my mouth shut to begin with and not even engaged with her, and it could have avoided a long morning of frustration.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is exactly the kind of situation I spoke about at Refresh Summit (how to get through/avoid/act kindly in) and here I was doing THE EXACT OPPOSITE. It all happened so fast I didn’t put two and two together and then realized I had messed up. If I had followed my own advice, maybe it would have had a different outcome, and hopefully I have learned from this and will be quick to listen and slow to speak next time. Instead of what I did, the following are things I should have done (things I shared at Refresh Summit for dealing with bullies/negative people online).
1.) Realize you aren’t going to change them: I an usually spot someone pretty set in their ways from the beginning of a conversation, but my desire to defend myself can get in the way of realizing that no matter what I say or try to “prove”, people like this are just not going to change. It doesn’t matter if the facts are right in front of you, they will argue with you until the cows come home, so it’s wise to just save your breathe and realize nothing you say is going to change them.
2.) Don’t feed the animals: With a desire to be right and people please, this one can be tough. Not engaging or “feeding the animals” is a good tactic for keeping the peace. Sometimes it’s just best not to get involved. There have been so many times in my “blog life” where I have wanted to set the record straight or stand up for myself, but I knew that in doing so it would just add fuel to the fire, and I am glad I chose to ignore in the end. When I engage, I usually end up saying something I will regret later.
3.) Get some perspective: Perspective is a funny thing. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in being the victim we forget that a lot of people lash out because they themselves are or were at one time, victims. Hurt people hurt people. If you can take a step back and remember that simple statement, that those hurting themselves in turn hurt others, and instead of getting angry, feel sorry for the person, it will start to soften your heart towards them and help diffuse frustration.
4.) Forgive: There have been times in my blogging and social media life where people have really hurt my feelings. I still remember a very specific time where I was on a run replaying something someone had said to me online over and over in my head, trying to figure out why people are so mean to those they don’t really know, when I suddenly felt like I was supposed to forgive them. Through gritted teeth (because yall, I really didn’t WANT to forgive them) I said out loud “I forgive you, and Lord HELPE to really mean it”. I had such an overwhelming freeing feeling come after that prayer. it was SO hard to say and it took awhile to work up to, but once I let go of it, the anger and frustration had no power over me anymore. After all, the Bible calls us to forgive others, just as God forgave us (Mark 11:25).
5.) Move on: This one usually takes me a little bit of time, but moving on helps diffuse the anger that comes with seeing and hearing negative things about us. Remember that not everyone is going to think just like you, or be your BFF, and that’s ok. We are all so different, and some people just are going to flat out not get along with you. Move on, and as queen Elsa would say, LET IT GO! I know I know, so much easier said than done, but your heart will thank you if you can move past it and not dwell on it or let your thoughts constantly go back to a wrong done to you.
I hope someone finds these tips helpful, and please know that if you ever need to talk to anyone about any of these issues, I would be more than happy to oblige. Email me any time at heatherslookingglass@gmail.com Have a great Monday!
QOTD: Which of these 5 things do you struggle with most? Have you ever been the victim of online negativity?
Love these tips Heather. I’ve been very fortunate to not have too many haters, but they pop up from time to time. This is exactly how I would deal with them. Most of the time I just send them a silent prayer and let it go. There are some unhappy people out there and they love to use the internet to hurt people. Great tips!
very true. Glad you have a good attitude about it!
So sorry to hear that you had an unfortunate encounter with your neighbor. So many people are so nosy, and I often wish more people would just mind their own business.
I have a love/hate relationship with the neighborhood FB page for that very reason!
Love this, Heather. Its so hard NOT to engage, especially when you know someone’s assumptions are wrong and you so badly want to correct them. A few years back when I blogged regularly, I was mentioned a bit on an online forum about bloggers… I mean, they were calling Blake a “parasite” and saying that I needed to break up with him and someone even said they didn’t agree with us getting married but they would probably be invited to the wedding…what?! Who on this forum felt they were close enough to me that they would be invited to my wedding, but yet talked so poorly about me?
Of course, I couldn’t take it and I went on and defended myself. It only made matters worse and made me look like an utter joke. I’ve since learned my lesson! It’s really made me prioritize even the small stuff.
This was a great reminder!
Ug so awful. I SO badly have wanted to “set the record straight” but figured it would end badly. 🙁 So sorry you had a bad experience, too.
Obviously there are good and bad people in all walks of life, be they in your neighborhood or online scrutinizing your blog. Unfortunately, if you have a blog that is a source of income, I think it sets you (bloggers in general) up for negative comments. When we started our blog several years ago, we wanted to do it basically for ourselves and we have turned down all offers to make any income from the blog. Of course we have reviewed a few products provided to us that are of interest, but we are very particular. Unfortunately, presence on social media seems to give people the ability to hide behind their computer and say whatever they want with little regard to the consequences. Just my two cents!
In your opinion, what is the correlation between getting income from your blog and getting negative comments? Most of the negative comments I get are about my parenting style, where I choose to travel to, and things like that.
I’m not sure the exact correlation, but I do think the mean people can’t be bothered with little blogs. I have seen some nasty comments on bigger blogs, so assumed that was the case. Perhaps I am incorrect.
Definitely not saying you are incorrect, I was just curious to hear more from your viewpoint! I’m always learning :oP
we have the same kind of neighborhood group on facebook and same story its filled with people complaining and calling other people out and being nasty. i did have one neighbor complain about our house one year and it took every once of strength not to blast them back, because your right its probably not going to do any good anyway.
The town we moved into has several closed FB groups and they make me roll my eyes so hard some days. I really have to just close the computer lest I chew someone out. I just ask myself if it’s really worth it…and it never is but it’s difficult to make that realization when you’re in the heat of the moment.